Advice-where it all began. Anxiety and depression.

How I ended up becoming depressed and anxious 

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DISCLAIMER: This is going to be a very raw blog post, I will try and keep it as positive as I can, but as you can tell by this title there's no sunshine and rainbows. If you are easily upset, and can't stand these personal experiences PLEASE DON'T read this post. 

Hello everyone. I never thought that I would be sitting here writing this blog post ... But I am. This is a very hard post for me to write, something I have always wanted to tell people but I never could. I'm still contemplating if I should be writing this; simply because I've dealt with these demons for years.
I have no idea how I'm going to start this blog post but what I will say is that it's a very long story, and it's not the nicest of tales. On the other hand, there are certain aspects that I can't explain or write in this post, simply because of legal reasons. No names will be named, I will refer to this particular person as 'he', 'it', and 'him'. 

Where do I begin? I suppose I'll start from when I was younger, specifically 6 or 7. Apparently I was a very shy child, I wouldn't talk to people, nor engage with everyday activities in primary school. I kept myself to myself and that was it. I was scared you see, children screaming around the playground, acting like wild animals intimidated me. The fact that I was bullied for being so timid and dainty didn't help. They would point, scream and shout as they knew I hated it. I would cry in a corner and wish for it to be over. This is where my fear of people began to rise ... Growing up was difficult, my social interaction with people was non-existent. I would hide away and avoid all contact, my fear of people grew more and more. I didn't know that I was battling with anxiety, I didn't even know what that word meant. 

Secondary School was utter hell. I remember my first day ... Oh what a first day it was. Coming face to face with thousands of students was terrifying. I remember crying as I entered the dull and frosty hall. I had warm and humble teachers either side of me telling me that "it was going to be ok". Their smiles filled me with hope. Until my first lesson arrived. I didn't know where to go, the fear of being late took over my entire body. Growing up, being late was seen as rude, being late was the ultimate betrayal, being late meant it was the worst first impression. With this in mind I scrabbled around school, trying to find my class. my heart was pounding, tears were pouring, my lungs on fire. I did was I knew best, I curled up into a ball and cried. 

There were many days like this. And it only got worse. My anxiety grew, it started eating away at me, it became a demon in my own body. There were times I would have panic attacks, simply because I was too scared to order my own food at lunch. The fear of making people wait, for them to shout at me, for them to bully me ... It all got too much. I couldn't engage with people, something simple like asking what you want for lunch was too much for me. 

The same applied to, putting my hand up to ask the teacher for something, or to answer a question. The fear of people laughing at my request, or the fact that I got an answer wrong was terrifying. 

Throughout year 7 to year 14 I NEVER put my hand up. I was too scared, and to be honest, I'm still terrified, I'm heading to University in September and I don't know if I can shout out the answers. 

Everyday simple actions was a battle for me. Even outside of a school ... I was too anxious to order food, I couldn't buy clothes as I didn't want to talk to the cashier person. Not that I didn't want to, bit I was too scared to. I didn't know how to engage in everyday conversation. 

The people I spoke to were online, I could hide behind a screen and everything was OK. The few physical friends I had were super understating and patient. My best friend Eisha has been a god send, I've been friends with her for 8 years and we have never had an argument or fallen out; I consider her my sister.  

My anxiety was something that developed over time, and was enhanced by a person in which I can't name, these are for legal reasons. 

This person became my boyfriend of which took over my life for 2 years ... He's not in my life anymore (thank God) and these are one of the many reasons why my anxiety and depression got worse. I wish I could go into detail with how and why but I can't. I will briefly explain how he made my anxiety worse. 

First and foremost I knew this person for 6 years, he was considered a really close friend; which is why I decided to make him my boyfriend; as I could trust him.

Slowly he made me feel small and pathetic etc. He did this by crushing my confidence, when I wanted to come out of my shell, for example, buying clothes, he would tell me that they would judge me; they would think I'm weird an strange for shopping there. If I bought items online he would say that I wasted my money, it was a pointless buy etc. This went on for two years. Within those 2 years the depression started to sink in. Having someone telling you are worthless, hurting you emotionally and physically brings you down ... Evidently. 

Again I wish I could go into proper detail, but I can't. 

He was awful and disgusting, so much happened, I don't think I will be able to write about it now, but I will try in a future blog post. 

What I can say, is that he mentally abused me to the point where I thought I couldn't live without him, he would ignore me or days for no reason; I would try and see him and he would call me all the names under the sun. 

As well as this he would give me all the attention and then take it away. He was the cause for my mental breakdowns, to the point where my dad has to rock me to sleep.

My depression was so bad I have tried to commit suicide, I self-harmed, I would not look after myself. I would not eat or drink, I wouldn't talk, I was nothing. 

He took two years of my life, and I'm still trying to get over it ... It's been 3 years since that and I'm still scarred, I'm still not better. 

After everything that he did mentally and physically I still have nightmares, I still have to go to therapy. 

When I can talk about everything, and when I'm ready I will. I just hope that somehow this has helped someone, because you really aren't alone. I was lead to believe that my life wasn't worth living, I hit rock bottom and I'v managed to get on with my life. I passed my AS Levels, I'm heading to University in September. 

If you want me to make a blog post on how I overcome these issues, please let me know. 

Thank you for reading this blog post, sorry that I was late with this post. I was writing it yesterday and I broke into tears. I really hope this helps someone, even if it's just one person.

I love you all so very much, and you are perfect! If you are going though something like this right now, you are not alone! If someone is causing you this pain LEAVE THEM! I did and it was the best decision I have ever made! I didn't think I was strong enough, but I did it! If you have been though so much pain, leaving them won't make it worse, it will only make it better :).

I will see you again today! I am posting a review, and I'll also be posting what I did yesterday :)

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Email: missamymcguire@hotmail.com