ADVICE | GETTING OVER FEARS | HOW YOU CAN GET OVER IT

GETTING OVER MY FEAR OF THE DENTIST:

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Good morning Little Ones! This year I have set myself several goals ... And I want to tweak some of them, I want to post more on my blog, instead of three days a week, I'm thinking everyday? I don't know if I will keep up with this, but I saw how much I posted in 2017; and needless to say... I was utterly disappointed. Only 17 posts last year ... How disgraceful. I can inform you, that's not happening this year! At least I can guarantee at LEAST three a week; but I know loads of you adored me posting everyday, some of my content may be boring? But let's see what I can come up with.
Now, without further or do, let's get on with today's post! Getting over the fear of the dentist!

BACKSTORY: 

Just like the majority of you, I'm pretty sure you have a fear of the dentist, and I have mentioned this on my blog before; but I have had horrific experiences at the dentist.
But, just to briefly explain some of my traumatic events: DISCLAIMER IF YOU ARE SCARED DON'T READ THIS SEGMENT.
Where to begin? My dentist was disgusting, EVERY SINGLE TIME I went, she would always comment on how disfigured my teeth were, to the point where I would cry hysterically.
I literally couldn't help it, I needed braces and I couldn't get them because my jaw needed to grow; I was stuck with teeth I hated, my biggest insecurity ... Her taunting me really didn't help, (obviously).

Unfortunately, this was the nicest part of my visit ... The worst experience I had from this specific dentist, was when I was getting a filling re-done, she drilled behind the WRONG tooth, to which I couldn't brush properly behind, within a couple of weeks I suffered extricating pain due to an infection settling in.
She mentioned that it was HER fault, and issued me antibiotics for a week. It was then time to visit the dentist, she gave me three rounds of anastetic ... She brushed her metal tool against my tooth and I was screaming in pain. The infection still hadn't cleared, it was consuming the anastetic, I FELT EVERYTHING. 

Instead of giving me more antibiotics to clear the infection, she still went ahead with the tooth extraction. It took 5 nurses to hold me down ... By the way, my mother was in the same room, shaking with fear and anger. 

Eventually, I heard a crack ... Alongside with the taste of blood in my mouth, when I clambered up, blood poured from above, of which I cried and shook with fear. 

Needless to say, this was the breaking point ... I now visit a different dentist? Private, do you blame me?

You are all probably wondering, 'Amy, how can you get over the fear of the dentist, after all this', believe me it's happening. Let me tell you how.

GETTING OVER IT:

Believe me when I say this, I NEVER thought this was going to be possible until my recent visit at the dentist a week ago. As mentioned previously, I have a new dentist, private because I gave up with the NHS ... They had failed me too many times with my teeth alone. 

When it was time, I was chilling in the waiting room ... Anxious, tears forming in my eyes, fearing what was about to take place. 

Eventually they called me name ... My legs trembled to the point where I nearly collapsed, I saw my dentist, and said, "I'm petrified".
I told him everything that had happened, and he was repulsed. He explained what he was going to do, (which I never had), and stated that he was going to take his time. 

He was so gentle, everything he did he described, and if he saw me freaking out he stopped until I calmed down. Lucky for me, there was a television above me, which really did aid the anxiety.  

The appointment totalled to 20 minutes, and there was nothing wrong with my teeth.
Normally there is always something, not because I don't look after my oral hygiene; but because with me being born so premature, my teeth didn't form correctly. 

After such a positive experience at the dentist, I can now associate something great with something I thought was terrifying. 

Changing perception is key, I think I will still be nervous in six months time, but no where near as bad. I'm so proud of myself, for being brave, and being able to face a fear, I have obtained since I can remember. 

If you've had traumatic experiences like me, if not worse, you can get over it, first and foremost, you need to find a dentist which not only explains everything; but is patient and caring towards you. Another thing, you need to get on with them, if you can't have a giggle here and there; it's going to be hard to build a great relationship with them; which is what you need.
Especially if you don't have someone there to support you on your visit, luckily enough for me, I had my fiance with me, which I'm so grateful for. 

Little Ones, this is now the end of the blog post! I hope you enjoyed this one, just a tiny bit of advice? It's not the longest story, but I will update you every time I visit the dentist, as it's a growing process; I feel confident that it can only get better. 

This applies to everyone out there with the same phobia ... I'm 20 and I still need someone there to hold my hand. Is that embarrassing? Maybe, but I have my reasons, just like all of you. 

I love you all so very much, and I will see you tomorrow! Let me know what you want to read, or I'll do what I fancy! Remember to stay safe and stay tuned! :) x x x 

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YSL TOUCHE ÉCLAT HIGHLIGHTER

YSL Product Review

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Good evening Little Ones! I'm back in business, I had to overcome serious anxiety and depression, just throwing it out there. But I'm ready to get back into blogging. I will write a MASSIVE blog post on why I was away for so long; but on the more positive side; here is a product review! I've already filmed a video on this; but I wanted to write about it as well, let's me get back into the swing of writing again.
Without any further elaboration, let's get on with it!

THE PACKAGING:

Golden bliss ... YSL hit the nail on the head when designing this product. Walking around owning a gold pen has to be an achievement? Just me? OK.

It's simple yet breathtaking, in this scenario little is more, and YSL rock that motto. Who needs over-accentuate; when  packaging like this exists? The gold and black appearance is extremely iconic; when I come across a product that has this design, it's evidently YSL; they've claimed the gold and black appearance; while keeping it innovative. I've never seen a beauty product this bold before ... It's courageous and creative. Additionally, I adore their emblem placed on the cap' it's sophisticated, and doesn't shove it in your face. I know other brands like to CAPITALISE their logo, and shove it in peoples faces. But YSL position it in such a way where it's delicate, without looking tacky. 

On the other hand, in terms of functionality of the product, they again passed with flying colours, it's compact so you can take it on the go without having to worry that it's taking up too much space. Also, the fact that you click the bottom of the pen to obtain the product is genius; it makes me enjoy using the product so much more. The only criticism I have, is that you can't tell how much product you have left, (as you can't see); you have the play the guessing game. But apart from that, I can't fault it. 

THE PRODUCT:

Now for the main event. Does this product work? Keep on reading Little Ones. I purchased the shade number 1 luminous radiance, the colour match is perfect, isn't too light or too dark. For me I want a concealer which is slightly lighter, if not the same shade as my skin, as I feel a really white concealer would make me look odd; (this has happened, and I didn't like it). This concealer pen gives me the coverage that I want, without washing me out, and gives me a healthy finish. 

If you want a heavy duty product that covers every blemish, this is NOT the product for you, I'm a very natural kinda girl, so this suits my needs to the ground. It glides on really easily with the fine tip applicator, and blends in effortlessly. In relation to staying power, it's quite high, on an average day it lasts up to 8 hours, and that's without me applying powder throughout the day; if I did then it would definitely last a lot longer. 

On the other hand, I feel like this would suit people with dry skin, I say that because I have very dry skin and it doesn't stick to my dry patches; (which shows that it doesn't suck the oil out of my face). That being said, I have no idea how this would react to people with oily skin? It might not be the product for you, but what I can say is that in my oily spots (my chin), it stays put really well, but does break up eventually). 

THE PRICE: 

This wonder retails for £25, is that a lot of money? You decide ... I'm not here to say what's too dear, if you believe that this is the product for you, buy it, if not save your money and find something that you think benefits you without spending £25. For me personally, YES, I have extremely dry skin, to find something that not only matches my skin perfectly, but doesn't cling to my dry areas is a God send. Will I repurchase this when it runs out? Hell yes! It's worth my money, does what I need it to do, why wouldn't I? 

If you think this is the product for you, click the link below, it saves you from searching for it yourself. 

https://www.johnlewis.com/yves-saint-laurent-touche-eclat-complexion-highlighter/p2403247

Thank you for reading this blog post, if you want to see more product reviews then please do let me know. I will see you in another blog post soon! Stay safe and stay tuned Little Ones! :) x x x 

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Happy new year!

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HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Check out my recent blog giveaway click here! 

Hello and welcome back Little Ones! Happy new year you lovely people! How have you all been? Please do tell me what you got up to New Years Eve, always nice to hear about who drank too much ... One of which was me. But hey! It's a start of a new year and why not enjoy yourself? Even if that does mean spending hours with your head in the toilet. 

As you can probably tell already, this is going to be a chatty blog post! No advice or reviews in this one, sorry! But I have some very exciting news for you! One of my new years resolutions is to become more confident, and by doing this I'm going to start vlogging! Yes it's terrifying because I'm worried that people are going to judge me, but I've learnt in the past that forcing yourself to do something out of your comfort zone ... Helps. I finally have my beloved vlogging camera, of which I will be using this week! I'll create an introduction video which explains what I'll be doing, as well as telling you more about myself. 

In my opinion I feel that talking to a camera and letting someone see you creates a better rapport and connection. I want to make you feel that I'm there for you, without hiding behind a computer screen. That being said I'm not disappearing anywhere, I will still continue to create content on my blog! I'll just have a YouTube channel as well! 

I can't wait to get on with my new projects! Any how, what are your New Years Resolutions? Or do you not believe in them? I never used to, I thought they were a waste of time, commit to them for a week of two. But as I matured in age I began to grasp the importance of them. 

What was last year like for you? Was it great? I know what mine was mediocre, there were highs and lows, but it made me grow as a person. I got into University, have a great job and a fantastic relationship. The only thing I wish I had done was go out more, I was too awkward and anxious, but as I mentioned previously I am going to improve of that, starting now!

My blog posts will go back to normal, there will be a review going up tomorrow, and maybe even a YouTube video! Fingers crossed! If not then differently next week! 

I better head off, I have a lecture to go to, but you will see me again tomorrow! I love you all so very much! Stay safe and stay tuned! :) x x x 

Story-time: Slit my wrists

Cut my wrist open

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Good Morning Little ones! It's been a rather terrifying week, first with my kidney infection and now this event. I've been trying to relax for a few days, but I just needed to write about this. My life flashed before my eyes, literally still shocked. You may or may not already know that I was submitted to hospital yesterday, due to me falling over and landing on a shard of glass.
If you would like to know more about this then have a little read down below.
I'm also going to be interjecting pictures, so quick disclaimer: if you can't handle blood then don't look at the pictures below the blog post.
I hope you are all happy and healthy, love you all so very much :).

If you want to read another story time click here!

What happened:

Profoundly, I had just finished my morning Marketing lecture, I was given a 1 hour lunch break, which was enough time for me to make and eat lunch. as well as read another chapter of, The Lake House-Kate Morton, (amazing book, would really recommend).
I arrived home and pasta came to mind, as well as a drink, because I was SO thirsty. I went to grab a pint glass, but knocked on the floor because the draining board was crowded with other dished. I had a smash. As I went to pick up the remains I fell over my feet ... Yes my own FEET, and landed on the floor. Knowing there was glass there I put my hands out to protect my face. I looked at my hands and I was petrified with what I saw. Blood was spurting out my wrist, instinct was to put as much pressure on my wrist as possible. I screamed, Chris tuned around and looked at me with alarming eyes. He called an ambulance and rushed me down the stairs. I was running as fast as I could, I felt faint while sprinting down the spiral stairs. I manged to fight the urge. I saw the front desk of the University in sight, and burst into a full blown panic attack. I could hear Chris shouting at the ambulance team, as they said they were going to be hours. The team on the front desk went into medical mode and tried to calm me down, I couldn't breath, everything around me was dimming. I remember a man holding my hand and trying to clean my cut and saying. "it's not that bad". He went to take a look, and to his horror he gasped and told me to get in his car as he was rushing me to hospital. At this point I was freaking out, Chris was holding my hand. I thought I was going to die.
I arrived at the hospital, they examined me and managed to control the bleeding.
The worst was over,  I was then put in the waiting room to get stitches. 5 hours it took. 5 hours in the waiting room and I finally was able to get my stitches.
I stumbled into the A&E department, bear in my I still hadn't eaten all day, and by this point it was 5pm. They examined my arm and was contemplating what to do, they said and I quote, "I have never seen anything like this, it's so deep, we are surprised you are still alive, you could have cut a major blood clot". As you can imagine I started crying at the thought I could have died. I could have died ... That was terrifying to me, I could have died and I didn't. I am so grateful. Words can't even describe.

So thankful for the people that stitched me up and calmed me down. So thankful for my boyfriend Chris holding my hand all the way through. He's my star. 

PICTURES ARE BELOW, DON'T LOOK IF YOU CAN'T HANDLE BLOOD!

Sorry if the images have lines in them, the light I was under distorted the image. The pictures don't justify how deep it was, but 5 entire stitches! This is the craziest thing that has happened! I have never broken a bone, but I would have rather broken something, than being told I could have died. 

I hope this was an entertaining blog post for you guys, now that I'm sitting down at my computer, I am so entirely grateful for what I have in life.
I love you all so very much, see you later with a phone unboxing! I love you all so very much!

Stay safe and stay tuned Little ones! :) x x x 

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STORY TIME: WHY I LEFT FATFACE

Why I quit FatFace

DISCLAIMER: I am not bashing the company, overall the company is amazing! But a particular store that I worked in was awful! Hence why I wrote this story time. 

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 Hello and good morning! I've been hanging out with my sister today, she wanted advise on picking a new lipstick, which of course I was happy to help! Lipstick is my weakness, might or might not of brought a couple myself :'). Any who, I took to Twitter and asked what blog post you wanted, a story time was most requested! I have so many stories, some funnier than others, this one being a mixture. If this is something that you like please let me know as I will write more of them :).
Sit back, relax and enjoy your popcorn.

.

Backstory:

Fundamentally, the reason for why I applied for this job was because I really hated my other one, they didn't treat me right, and I wasn't well enough to work there. For example, I had a really bad kidney infection and they kept worrying me that if I didn't work or come in that I would get fired, my health was on the line, I needed time to heal and get better, I saw that FatFace were coming to Welwyn, but the waiting period was a month; which was perfect for me because I would have time to rest up. I took the opportunity and applied for the job and left my previous one. 

Interview process:

I applied for this job in February, but the shop wasn't due to open until the end of March, this gave me a window to look after myself and recover from my illness, (which I did). I remember getting a phone call on my birthday to say that they liked what they saw on my CV, and that they wanted to interview me. I was so thrilled,not only was it my birthday, but I felt like this was my present! I was so excited, my boyfriend Chris was so happy for me, as he knew that I hated my previous work place! 2 weeks passed and it was interview time! They asked me to bring photos of my personal life, so that they can get a better understanding of what you are like as a an individual! I already gathered great expectations of FatFace, I had never been asked to do this in an interview, they were so kind and warm towards me. It was then time to go off into groups and try and sell an outfit to the FatFace crew; they said that they liked what I created! This was filling me with great confidence and happiness, I was really enjoying myself, and this was just the interview! After that was over and done with, it was time for the one on one interview. I had such an awesome guy, he was so lovely and down to earth; he took my last remain of nerves away and replaced it with happiness. He was so pleased with my CV that he wanted me to be a supervisor! But I had to turn that offer down because I couldn't do the hours at that moment in time; I could after I finished my A Levels. After I said that I started to feel ever so anxious, I thought I had blew my only chances of getting this job! I had already left my previous job; I needed this to save for University in September! But low and behold, 3 days later and they had offered me the job! I was so happy, it was like a dream come true! I had managed to get the hours that I wanted, as well as working for a great company. 

Training process:

A few weeks after the interview I got a phone call from one of the store managers that interviewed me, they asked me how I thought it went and I said, " I think it went ok, I really enjoyed myself". They responded with, "we really liked you, do you still want the job?"

I was so thrilled, I remember I was on break at School and I was jumping up and down, while everyone watched me; probably thinking I was the strangest person on earth. March rolled around and it was time to train me! They sent me to the St Albans store to meet the rest of my team, my deputy manager was late, I was so excited to meet her! While we were waiting for her arrival we sat in a circle and got to know one other. You know the usual, why did you apply, what do you like doing outside of work, tell me an interesting fact about yourself etc. After around an hour of this we heard the door creek, it was my deputy manager ... My heart sank. I knew this woman, she used to work in another store in the Howard Centre, I went into the store she worked in a few days before my training in FatFace, I won't name the company she worked for, but it was a bag place. I had purchased one of their bags and it was faulty, I was mis-sold a particular product, and she was the one that pitched it; after a few days of it breaking down I went to refund it. Obviously she was not having a great day as she was so rude to me; I didn't want to exchange it as I didn't feel comfortable putting faith into another bag; I just wanted my money back. As soon as this lady saw me in the FatFace training ... She gave me such a dirty stare. I knew that she was going to make my life hell, and the worse thing is, she had the power to do so. We will call this lady, Sophie, (not her real name, but I can't mention real names). Sophie made it clear that she already knew a member of staff in the training session, we will call this girl Rosie. Sophie and Rosie worked in the same shop previous to this one, I gathered that Rosie was going to be the favourite, since Sophie and Rosie had worked for years together in the same company. I already started to hate the situation I was in, and I hadn't even started to work for the store. I held my head up high and hoped for the best. 

My first day:

I loved it! I was full of energy, the shop was crowded, I manged to talk to an array of people! I just loved every moment of it! We had a great team, despite the few issues that had occurred in training I put it behind me; for the simple matter, I was here to help people and do the best shop that I possibly could. We made over £8000! We had a live show inside the shop to draw people in, it was a massive hit! It felt like I was at a summer festival, despite it being March; it was such a beautiful atmosphere; I loved every moment, this was the place for me:).

1 month later:

It was evident that their were favourites in the shop. But I didn't let this get me down, I was known for being positive! I obtained the hours that I wanted, was earning a decent basic, and I was working for a great company. I had made friends with the majority of the team, and the working environment was lively; if I was able to work with the people that made me feel special. With time passing by in the company it was time for our reviews, I had been banging on about becoming a supervisor after I had finished Sixth Form, and they were happy with that arrangement; but my deputy manager hated that idea ... I could tell by the way she looked at me as well as spoke to me. Whenever I spoke to my manager about becoming supervisor, Sophie would rain down her negative persona on me and say, "that's not going to happen", "other people in here deserve this more than you" ... Although I valued her opinion it was rather hurtful, I had past supervisor experience and she knew this, no one else did. Sophie made my life in FatFace awful, and as time went on I felt worse about myself. 

3 months later:

I finally had it. Months of being isolated in the women's department for hours on end with nobody to talk to, whenever I tried to get in on the shop banter they would send me back to the women department; or pretend that I didn't even exist. My positive glow had faded away, and had been replaced with dark sorrow. I no longer wanted to be apart of the "team", they made me feel so unwanted and invisible ... I hated going to work, it was disgusting. Sophie evidently didn't want me working there, and it looked like she had convinced my manger David (not his real name) too. He cut down my 16 hours to 4 hours a week. I would beg for hours on the phone, but they literally ignored my texts, and the worse thing was; I knew they had read them. I would never beg, but I was heading to university and I needed the money ... I explained my situation, and Sophie said, "if you aren't happy with what we offer you then leave". I found out that they were giving my hours away to Rosie, this employee would come up to me and rub in my face that she was making so much more money because she had my hours. I had suffered 3 months of this torture. And to make matters worse, Rosie was telling me what to do, not in a polite manor, but so abrupt and rude. 

In the end I left, I didn't want to but I had to, it was enhancing my depression and anxiety, and my managers knew this.  

What did I do?

I didn't have a master plan, but what I did have was a kick in the teeth for my manger. On the first day of the 2nd Summer Sale launch I handed in my notice. 

This is what it said: 

Saturday 25^th June 2016

Dear (their real names);

I regret to inform you that this is my letter of resignation. I want to thank you for being my managers and giving me the experience of working at Fatface. It’s a beautiful company to work for and I’m unhappy to be leaving it today, (25-06-16).

I wish to make today my last shift (25-06-16), due to the fact that I’m starting a new job immediately.

The reasons for my resignation is stated below:

·       It wasn’t a nice working environment: you left me on the same department for hours on end with no change, while 3-4 members of staff would talk behind the till. During this time, I had several customers approaching me and complaining that this was “unprofessional behavior”.

·       Reduced hours: I was used to at least 16 hours a week. This was manageable income for my University savings. But you reduced them to 4 hours a week. Despite me telling you that I was free to work any day of the week after the 8-6-16. I have messaged (my manager) twice, begging for more hours and he’s ignored me. This is impolite, makes me uncomfortable, and unwanted from the store.

·       Favoritism: After a month of working at Fatface, it was evident that you had favourites. This is where my reduction of hours came into play as you would give my hours away to other members of staff. As well as this, you would segregate me from the rest of the group and keep: (naming specific members of staff) etc. on the other side. This was not only hurtful, but made me feel unwanted from the team.

Due to these points, I have decided to leave the company, I didn’t want to have to do this, but seeing no improvement with my hours, or the way I have been treated I have decided to go elsewhere.

I want to thank Fatface for giving me the opportunity to work in one of their stores. Despite my experience I’ve enjoyed engaging with various customers and gaining the; “I am famous for service 2016” mug.

Yours sincerely;

Amy McGuire 

And with that I left with my head held high, and with a new job in the bag as well. I currently work virtually opposite them and earn more money than them; I couldn't ask for a better punishment for them :'). 

Although I gave them what they wanted, I still get old customers I used to serve there asking why I left, and I told them why .. And they were so disgusted but they knew I was right. I still walk past that shop and I see nobody on the women's department, because I was the only one that went there and did the job; as everyone else was too busy talking around the till on men's. 

This is the end of my first story time blog post! I'm sorry that this took a while, I didn't know if I was allowed to write this, but I thought why not right? I said no real names in this blog post! If this was something that you enjoyed reading, or you have gone though this let me know! We can share more stories with each other! 

I love you all so very much and I will see you tomorrow with whatever you fancy! Stay safe and stay tuned Little ones! x x x 

Advice-traveling abroad for the first time

Traveling abroad for the first time nerves

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Good evening Little ones! How have you been today? I’ve been on land and sea for over 8 hours! I’m so happy to be in France at this very moment in time, it’s absolutely stunning, although it’s pitch black, from the scenery I’ve witnessed getting here was breathtaking. This was the first time in my entire life that I had visited another country, I can't wait to take you all along with me day by day. 

Any how, I was evidently extremely nervous, but I knew how to deal with it, so I thought that I would share my thoughts and feelings and tell you how to keep your nerves at bay. 

If you want to read other advice blog posts, click here!

Background information:

Fundamentally, as some of you may already know I suffer with anxiety and depression, and in some situations it draws them out more so. Especially if I have no idea where I am, or if I'm out of my comfort zone, me heading to France for the first time was VERY nerve-wreaking for me, but thanks to my new beautiful family they were there to support me. Something else which I thought would be best to tell you, is that I get travel sick ... Horrendously with cars, and now boats, as I discovered today. But all in all it was a successful journey, and I'm finally in another country! After 19 years of living, and I'm out of the UK!

Tips to calm your nerves:

• Surround yourself with family:
  If this is your first time abroad and you are nervous, make sure that you surround yourself with family or friends. This way they know that you are anxious about your current situation and they can make you feel at ease. This is exactly what I did today, they knew how I felt and they dealt with it extremely well, they are so understanding and supportive; and for that I love and thank them very much :).
  In addition to this, it will also pass the time quicker, the more time you spend with your family and friends, the faster the time goes! Plus it creates more memories and happy times. For example, when I was in the car earlier on today I will never forget me and Sam (boyfriends brother) dancing in the backseat, he;s ever so funny and knows how to calm me down and make me feel welcome.
• Listen to music:
  When I am traveling around London, I have become accustomed to have headphones with me at all times. When I start to feel anxious I pop them in and start listening to music, this way it takes my mind off the situation I am in. It also lowers my anxiety levels, as I can't hear the people around me, as they spread negativity most of the time, as they don't particularly like the underground either. By eliminating the negativity and stress, you are able to focus on yourself, and yourself only. If you can feel yourself slipping into a panic attack, you are able to take control of the situation and step back.
• Watch a film or read a book:
  I wish I could have done this today, I tried but because of being so travel sick one look at a book and I would have been sick all over the place. But if you don't have this issue go ahead and read/watch films to your hearts content! Your day will fly by and you will start to forget where you are completely, as you are taken away in your own world. Additionally, depending on how long the journey is you can watch as many films as you like, which will not only make you feel better; but you can discuss it with the family later on. 

This is the end of the blog post! Sorry that it was so short, but a little advice post doesn't hurt! Although tomorrow I have something exciting for you all! I will be showing you what I saw today and writing about how I felt at that moment in time! It should be up tomorrow afternoon, if not then night-time. Throughout this week I won't have many vegan recipes, but I will try as hard as I can. 

I love you all so very much! I hope you have had a lovely day, I will see you tomorrow! Sweet dreams, stay safe and stay tuned :) x x x

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Advice-where it all began. Anxiety and depression.

How I ended up becoming depressed and anxious 

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DISCLAIMER: This is going to be a very raw blog post, I will try and keep it as positive as I can, but as you can tell by this title there's no sunshine and rainbows. If you are easily upset, and can't stand these personal experiences PLEASE DON'T read this post. 

Hello everyone. I never thought that I would be sitting here writing this blog post ... But I am. This is a very hard post for me to write, something I have always wanted to tell people but I never could. I'm still contemplating if I should be writing this; simply because I've dealt with these demons for years.
I have no idea how I'm going to start this blog post but what I will say is that it's a very long story, and it's not the nicest of tales. On the other hand, there are certain aspects that I can't explain or write in this post, simply because of legal reasons. No names will be named, I will refer to this particular person as 'he', 'it', and 'him'. 

Where do I begin? I suppose I'll start from when I was younger, specifically 6 or 7. Apparently I was a very shy child, I wouldn't talk to people, nor engage with everyday activities in primary school. I kept myself to myself and that was it. I was scared you see, children screaming around the playground, acting like wild animals intimidated me. The fact that I was bullied for being so timid and dainty didn't help. They would point, scream and shout as they knew I hated it. I would cry in a corner and wish for it to be over. This is where my fear of people began to rise ... Growing up was difficult, my social interaction with people was non-existent. I would hide away and avoid all contact, my fear of people grew more and more. I didn't know that I was battling with anxiety, I didn't even know what that word meant. 

Secondary School was utter hell. I remember my first day ... Oh what a first day it was. Coming face to face with thousands of students was terrifying. I remember crying as I entered the dull and frosty hall. I had warm and humble teachers either side of me telling me that "it was going to be ok". Their smiles filled me with hope. Until my first lesson arrived. I didn't know where to go, the fear of being late took over my entire body. Growing up, being late was seen as rude, being late was the ultimate betrayal, being late meant it was the worst first impression. With this in mind I scrabbled around school, trying to find my class. my heart was pounding, tears were pouring, my lungs on fire. I did was I knew best, I curled up into a ball and cried. 

There were many days like this. And it only got worse. My anxiety grew, it started eating away at me, it became a demon in my own body. There were times I would have panic attacks, simply because I was too scared to order my own food at lunch. The fear of making people wait, for them to shout at me, for them to bully me ... It all got too much. I couldn't engage with people, something simple like asking what you want for lunch was too much for me. 

The same applied to, putting my hand up to ask the teacher for something, or to answer a question. The fear of people laughing at my request, or the fact that I got an answer wrong was terrifying. 

Throughout year 7 to year 14 I NEVER put my hand up. I was too scared, and to be honest, I'm still terrified, I'm heading to University in September and I don't know if I can shout out the answers. 

Everyday simple actions was a battle for me. Even outside of a school ... I was too anxious to order food, I couldn't buy clothes as I didn't want to talk to the cashier person. Not that I didn't want to, bit I was too scared to. I didn't know how to engage in everyday conversation. 

The people I spoke to were online, I could hide behind a screen and everything was OK. The few physical friends I had were super understating and patient. My best friend Eisha has been a god send, I've been friends with her for 8 years and we have never had an argument or fallen out; I consider her my sister.  

My anxiety was something that developed over time, and was enhanced by a person in which I can't name, these are for legal reasons. 

This person became my boyfriend of which took over my life for 2 years ... He's not in my life anymore (thank God) and these are one of the many reasons why my anxiety and depression got worse. I wish I could go into detail with how and why but I can't. I will briefly explain how he made my anxiety worse. 

First and foremost I knew this person for 6 years, he was considered a really close friend; which is why I decided to make him my boyfriend; as I could trust him.

Slowly he made me feel small and pathetic etc. He did this by crushing my confidence, when I wanted to come out of my shell, for example, buying clothes, he would tell me that they would judge me; they would think I'm weird an strange for shopping there. If I bought items online he would say that I wasted my money, it was a pointless buy etc. This went on for two years. Within those 2 years the depression started to sink in. Having someone telling you are worthless, hurting you emotionally and physically brings you down ... Evidently. 

Again I wish I could go into proper detail, but I can't. 

He was awful and disgusting, so much happened, I don't think I will be able to write about it now, but I will try in a future blog post. 

What I can say, is that he mentally abused me to the point where I thought I couldn't live without him, he would ignore me or days for no reason; I would try and see him and he would call me all the names under the sun. 

As well as this he would give me all the attention and then take it away. He was the cause for my mental breakdowns, to the point where my dad has to rock me to sleep.

My depression was so bad I have tried to commit suicide, I self-harmed, I would not look after myself. I would not eat or drink, I wouldn't talk, I was nothing. 

He took two years of my life, and I'm still trying to get over it ... It's been 3 years since that and I'm still scarred, I'm still not better. 

After everything that he did mentally and physically I still have nightmares, I still have to go to therapy. 

When I can talk about everything, and when I'm ready I will. I just hope that somehow this has helped someone, because you really aren't alone. I was lead to believe that my life wasn't worth living, I hit rock bottom and I'v managed to get on with my life. I passed my AS Levels, I'm heading to University in September. 

If you want me to make a blog post on how I overcome these issues, please let me know. 

Thank you for reading this blog post, sorry that I was late with this post. I was writing it yesterday and I broke into tears. I really hope this helps someone, even if it's just one person.

I love you all so very much, and you are perfect! If you are going though something like this right now, you are not alone! If someone is causing you this pain LEAVE THEM! I did and it was the best decision I have ever made! I didn't think I was strong enough, but I did it! If you have been though so much pain, leaving them won't make it worse, it will only make it better :).

I will see you again today! I am posting a review, and I'll also be posting what I did yesterday :)

If you want to see them stay tuned and follow me :)

If you want to talk to me on my social media below feel free! I will follow you right back! I love you all again, and I'm here for you :)  x x x 

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